Loose Ourselves to the World
by Livvixul
Summary: We all have days we need to take time to make ourselves feel normal again. The broken Haddock family are no exception.
1. I'm Sorry

Hiccup slammed the door behind him, effectively cutting off the cold wind that battered against the door, seeking for a way inside. As he passed the fire he threw some wood on to it, hearing the crackle that meant it was still going.

He peeled off the leather shoulder-pads, pulling away his wet leather suit until he was back in his usual green tunic and leggings. The whole time he avoided looking at his mum, who stared at the fire, curled up like a dragon. Hiccup still found her somewhat-feral behaviour strange but didn't question it.

When he hung his leather suit up on the door, shutting the windows, he sighed, turning. "You alright, mum?" he said quietly, determined not to break the calm atmosphere. Valka looked up at him, uncurling and standing up. Her braids were wet and limp, travelling down to the bottom of her spine. Hiccup watched her shift, eyes travelling over him.

"Are _you_ okay?" she said, stepping over to him. Hiccup fought off his tiredness and tucked it away with his grief. The little cage he kept his emotions in was fit to bursting and he knew it would eventually, but for now, he was okay.

"I asked you first," he teased softly, earning a small smile from her. Valka slipped an arm around his shoulders, leading him over to the fire. Hiccup sat down in the chair, shifting over so she could as well. Valka took her time to answer, gently undoing Hiccup's braids as she did. He let her, the soothing motion making his eyelids flutter.

"I'm okay," she said, but she was lying, and Hiccup knew it. He rested his head back against her collarbone, closing his eyes. Valka kissed the top of his head, fingers gently scrunching through the damp mess it was. Hiccup could still hear the rain battering against the windows, and mentally he praised himself for shutting them.

"Good," he murmured, his mother's front rising and falling against his back. Hiccup hoped no one would come in and spoil the moment – being the new Chief, he never got to spend time with his mum, who was always busy helping someone with their dragon problems as he worked with the village.

Hiccup's heart constricted suddenly as he thought of his father. Of his loudness, of his presence, of the support he gave him, how he would hold Hiccup through the nights while his leg throbbed and burned, the little duck carvings he would make day after day and always be proud of. Hiccup realised suddenly – _he never got both of his parents in the house at the same time. _Valka wrapped her arms around his middle, sitting him farther back on her lap.

Hiccup closed his eyes, letting his head roll to the side so he could push his forehead into Valka's neck. He heard the door open and was about to get up but a reassuring purr stopped him. Toothless nudged under his limp hand, cooing a hello. Hiccup smiled softly, scratching his forehead. Valka rubbed her head against Toothless's, going with the traditional dragon greeting. Toothless purred at them, soaking wet from the rain as he shook himself, walking over to where Cloudjumper lay.

The two had developed a somewhat brotherly relationship. Cloudjumper was the sensible, older brother, and Toothless was the younger annoying brother who also happened to be the one in charge. Cloudjumper lifted his wing, blinking sleepily at Toothless, who burrowed against his side, closing his eyes. Cloudjumper let his wing drop, only Toothless's tail visible from where it lay outside the safety cage and put his head to the floor, eyes closing.

Hiccup sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. Valka stood, lifting him like he was nothing and then sitting him back down on the chair so she could get up. She pulled at her hair, making small noises of frustration when she couldn't quite reach the wraps that fastened her hair back. "Here," Hiccup offered, sitting up. "I'll do it."

"Thank you," she said, sitting down in front of the chair. Slowly Hiccup pulled the wrap away from her hair, undoing the braid. Her hair fell in a curly mess on his lap. Turning to the next one, he did the same, spreading her hair out on her lap. Even without feeling, he could tell it was tangled. "Have you got a comb?" he asked Valka, who reached over to the table and passed him it. "Thanks."

Hiccup pulled the comb through her hair, teasing out the tangles. Valka rested her head back against his knee, silence falling over them. Hiccup finished with her hair, running his fingers through it just to check he had brushed it thoroughly enough. "There you go," he half-whispered.

When Valka spoke, her voice was choked. "Before I was… was taken," she croaked, "Your father used to do it for me. Take my hair out."

Hiccups stilled. Whenever anyone spoke about his father, it had become an instinctual reaction to shut down and stay silent. His mother waited, her weight leaning back against his leg-and-a-half. He couldn't do that this time. So, fighting through the grief that had threatened to overwhelm him seemingly out of nowhere many times, he said, "Did it help?"

"Did what help?" Valka turned to face him, her eyes red and puffy with a few leftover tears still rolling down her cheeks. Hiccup took her hand, resting his forehead against it and closing his eyes. Water gathered at the corner of his eyes as he took a deep shaky breath.

"Me doing your hair," Hiccup elaborated, heart pounding like a trapped animal against his chest. Valka smiled, giving a breathy laugh that could've been a sob. Her hand lifted and rested against his cheek, letting herself hold his head up.

"Oh, darling. It was almost as if he was… _back_," Valka stood and kissed his forehead.

Hiccup stared at the ground, waiting for his mother to leave. Indeed, she roused Cloudjumper who distangled himself from Toothless somewhat sadly, apologising with a nuzzle to the Fury's head when Toothless whined in protest.

She bid him goodnight and left to the attic upstairs, where she slept in Cloudjumper's wings. When Hiccup had asked why she didn't just sleep in Stoick's room she gave him a sad smile, shook her head, and whispered, "_Some habits are hard to break._"

Hiccup stood, eyes on his father's old chair. He traced his fingers along the edge of it, feeling the rough chips of wood his axe had made when he hung it along the back of the chair. The burnt smell of flesh that weakly filled his nose, reminding him of _the best and worst day of his life, _and Hiccup wrapped his arm around his torso tightly, closing his eyes as he held on to the chair with one hand. He ran over every bump with his finger, choking back sobs that threatened to bring him to his knees. He would not forget his father, he promised, he would not…

Hiccup blinked and a tear fell from the cage of supressed emotion he had built up. No, no, no, he cursed his weakness and fell to his knees, shaking already. _Stop, stop, __**stop**__. _

His hand covered his mouth and nose, the other curling around his stomach. He hit his head off his knees, once, twice, cursing the sobs that shook and twisted his body like he was a weak crop in a tornado.

_Stop, _his mind screamed. _Stop the pain, stop torturing me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! _Hiccup curled up, removing his arm from his torso and pressing both of his hands over his face. The sobs were loud, too loud, and he feared his mother would come bounding down the steps soon. He should not have talked about his father, he shouldn't have given in, he shouldn't have let his emotions take the better of him, but he was weak, oh, so very _weak_.

Hot air blew some of his hair in an odd direction. Hiccup peered through his hands, through the tears, and saw Toothless was sitting in front of him. The Fury made an upset noise and nosed at Hiccup's arms gently, his eyes full of compassion and love.

Something struck a fire deep in Hiccup's chest. "No!" he protested, though it could've come out as a garbled sob. "It's your fault! You did it! You killed him!" Toothless made a hurt noise at the back of his throat, beginning to back away. "It's- it's _your f-fault. _I _HATE you_!" Hiccup roared, lashing out.

Toothless scrambled back, his wings cocooning himself as he shook in fear. Hiccup sat, dumbfounded for a second by what had just come out of his mouth. His mouth opened soundlessly and shut like a fish out of water. "I-" he cut himself off so abruptly it sounded like he had to physically swallow the words.

The tears sprang from his eyes again in the force of a sob. "Tooth- buddy, I'm s-sorry," Hiccup sobbed, reaching out to the cocoon of scales. The dragon's shakes died down a little.

Toothless uncurled slowly, but his pupils were slits. Hiccup shook in fear, immediately remembering a time when-

_Burned flesh _

_slit pupils _

_roar _

_ice _

_crying _

_fire fire fire_

_"HICCUP"_

_"NO" _

_too late _

_too late _

_too __**late**_

Toothless's eyes eventually returned to normal. The dragon, although hesitant, crawled back over to his grieving best friend, who was crying so much he was barely coherent.

"S-sorry," were the only words Toothless could properly hear. His heart ached for his boy and a few of the rare draconic tears fell to the ground. Hiccup hugged his head to his chest and whispered something into his ear, again and again, and Toothless swore he would help his boy get over this grief until he reached the end of his life.

So together, the two young Alphas wept quietly as the rain continued to batter the ground outside.

* * *

**I have seen Dragons 2 twice now. Both times it ripped out my heart. I wrote this piece of shiz to make myself feel better- it turned into a giant angst fest. Yay for me.**

**Toothless and Hiccup= BROTP for life 3 cuties.**

**Leave a review if you liked it, if you didn't. Reviewers are a girl's best friend.**

**Liv x**


	2. Dance with Me

Valka was struck with an uncontrollable urge to cry. She sat down at the edge of the docks, letting her feet dangle in the cold water. The icy chill spread from the tips of her toes to the rest of her body, soothing her. She sighed.

Stoick was always on her mind. Valka knew, as long as she was on this island, that Stoick would continue to haunt her with his memories. _Their _memories. As much as she wanted to leave, go back to her home, she couldn't. She had promised Hiccup. _And here I'll stay, _she had said. At the time, she meant it, but as time progressed she struggled to ignore the urge to leave the island, go back to her _home_.

The villagers had accepted her with ease, as if sensing how protective their new chief was over her position and acceptance in the tribe. ("This is my mother," his first speech had gone. "You will not ask her where she has been, and you will accept her with open arms. She is one of us, now.") Valka had taken to teaching the children about dragons—essentially taking over the academy. As she spotted a few Scauldron playing farther out in the sea, her mind flashed back to the last time she had faced the sea like this. A boat. Arrows. Fire. Stoick, _floating away_.

She closed her eyes tightly, unable to grant herself the relief of crying. Her heart throbbed in time with the tears behind her eyelids, her sob stuck at the back of her throat. The moon and stars twinkled above her, such vast objects in the space of such a little world, completely unaware of the immense pain of such a small being.

Valka opened her eyes, the world suddenly blurred as she forced tears back until she felt sick. For so many months she had forced herself to push the grief away; it was not important, there were busier and more important things to do.

Now, it was midnight and she had nothing to think about. Nothing to do. Nothing to distract her from the grief she had pushed away again and again and again. Her trembling hands closed tightly into fists as she rested them heavily in her lap. One single tear rolled from her eye. She missed Stoick so much she felt sick.

A hand touched her back. Jumping, she spun around. Hiccup crouched behind her, looking worried. "Hey, mum," his thumb wiped away the tear still glimmering on her cheek. "What are you doing?"

She turned back to the water, patting the space beside her. Hiccup sat, keeping his feet out of the cold water that hers dangled in. His arm roped around her shoulders, pulling her against his side.

Valka thanked the gods silently for the strong, understanding son he was. Before she could speak her emotions took hold and she began to cry.

"Hey… hey," Hiccup murmured, taking her chin in his hand. She avoided his eyes, squeezing hers shut. _Stop crying_, she berated herself. _Stop!_

"It's okay, mum," he whispered. He placed a kiss on her forehead, then wrapped her in a hug. Valka dissolved into silent cries she had been holding back since Stoick's death. Hiccup rested his chin on the top of her forehead.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. Valka closed her eyes tightly. "I'm sorry." For what, he didn't offer an explanation. He didn't need to. Valka _knew_, just as he knew, that some things could not be explained in words.

Hiccup hummed into her hair. Holding his crying mother whilst her heart shattered was not an experience any son could ever forget. Valka cried for a good while, pent up emotions exploding into her son's chest. Had she not been exhausted with grief, she would have almost felt embarrassed.

"Hey, come with me," Hiccup said. Valka stood, slowly, holding his hand as he led her towards the hill to the house. He stopped and gently, almost as if she would shatter into a million pieces, began to sway her around. Valka was confused and tired, she couldn't form words to ask.

Only when he began humming, Valka understood. She wrapped her arms around his chest and hugged him tightly, swaying her body in time with his easier. Hiccup hummed for a bit longer then began singing.

He sang Stoick's verse.

"I'll swim, and sail on savage seas," his voice cracked and he cleared his throat roughly. Valka felt a few more tears slip. "With ne'er… with ne'er a fear of drowning." She wrapped one arm around his waist, linking hands with his other. Hiccup span her around. "And gladly r-ride the waves of life, if you will marry me. N-no scorching sun, nor freezing cold, will stop me on my… my journey." Hiccup tilted his head up to the sky, slowly swaying with her. "If you will promise me your… heart… and l-love—," just like his father's had the last time he sang it, Hiccup's voice broke and his eyes turned too glassy to continue.

Valka took over. "And lo-love me for eternity." Hiccup grinned, beginning to dance with more vigour. Valka laughed as he took her hands and began to spin with her goofily, laughter escaping his lips.

Valka danced with him, soon forgetting her grief as they sang the song that could make her smile any time. Her verse was shaky and choked, but neither one of them cared. Hiccup hugged her tight once it was over, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on her shoulder. "Hey, mum?"

"Yes, Hiccup?" Valka ran her fingers through his soft hair. It was dark out and not a noise was heard on the island of Berk—except for the continuous snores everywhere, from every house. It was a Viking thing.

"I'm sorry."

It was perhaps the fifth time he had said it that night. Valka was still upset, but less so. Her mind was clearer and she kissed his hair, once, twice, once again. Her heart ached for her poor, young son.

"It wasn't your fault, Hiccup."

He just held her a little tighter, unable to quite form the words needed. Valka understood. The cold air bit at her so she pulled back and he began to lead her upstairs.

"Thank _you_, son," she murmured. He smiled at her as the door opened. Toothless and Cloudjumper raised their heads in greeting.

"It's okay," Hiccup squeezed her hand. "You're my mum, and I haven't known you for that long, but I'm not going to leave you to grieve all alone." The words touched Valka somewhere inside her, rising more tears to her eyes. She chuckled emotionally and wiped at her eyes, not letting go of Hiccup's hand.

"I-I love y…you," she whispered. Hiccup's eyes twinkled and he darted forwards, hugging her. Valka returned it quickly. It was the first time she had said that to her little boy and her stomach twisted in nervousness while delivering the words.

"I love you too," Hiccup's words came muffled from her tunic, but clear enough to decipher. Valka relaxed, holding him tighter. When she let him go her son was immediately pounced on by a flurry of black scales.

"Toothless!" Hiccup yelped as his best friend whined and purred and licked every part of him he could reach. Against his will, he chuckled. Toothless's whines grew in volume, making him hug his dragon tightly. "Yeah, I love you too, bud! I haven't forgotten you!"

Once he was pretty much drowning in slobber, Toothless abandoned him to eat the rest of his dinner.

Valka helped him up, wiped his forehead, and kissed it.

When she drew away, her face was slightly disgusted. "Tastes like… fish."

Hiccup's laughs echoed through the house, reminding her that not all of the best moments were silent. And as long as they had each other, she and Hiccup would be just fine.

* * *

**This is going to be a bunch of oneshots of how Valka, Hiccup and Toothless help each other get over their grief. I'll throw in some Hiccstrid/rest of the gang occasionally.**

**Review?**

**Liv x**


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